Forget-me-not
by aritzen
Summary: [old] Ai gives Shinichi a bouquet of forget-me-not.


Notes: I originally posted this fic under an old account between September 16, 2005 and January 4, 2007.

* * *

Disclaimer: This was originally written in Chinese by cherryblossom. You can read it here: tieba dot baidu dot com slash p slash 1791068989 (replace dots and slashes accordingly). I have permission to translate it into English and post it here.

* * *

 **Forget-me-not**

 _Originally by: cherryblossom_

 _Translated by: aritzen_

* * *

 **Part I**

 _He shall go to the generation of his fathers; they shall never see light._

(Shinichi's point of view)

The strawberry blonde girl is walking farther and farther away. Alarmed, he calls out to her, but before he can utter her name, his mind draws blank...

-x-

I woke up with my left shoulder aching. The room was full of the pungent smells of disinfectants. My memory was like a movie being replayed: the Organization, the gunfight, the wound. My head started hurting unbearably, but I continued to try to remember because there seemed to be something missing. Some events, some people. Missing. But who? Who?

"Shinichi! You're finally awake!"

I pushed the thoughts out of my head. When I saw Ran's bright and gentle smile, I found myself suddenly recalling a different expression, a cooler and more composed expression. I felt numb. Ran came up to my hospital bed, helped me sit up, and rearranged the pillows. Then she busied herself with changing the water for the flowers and washing some fruits for me. Watching her, I was pleased but, at the same time, felt that something was missing. I don't know why. Again, I tried hard to remember, but my mind was blank.

"Shinichi..."

"Yes?" I looked at Ran, who was sitting beside my bed.

"Shinichi, I'm so happy that you're back. You're really back!"

I saw her tears, glistening under the sunlight, trickle down her cheeks. Sniffling, she leaned lightly against my shoulder. I believed that I should be happy at this moment. However, I saw another picture: a strawberry blonde girl clutching onto a boy's shirt, crying; the boy's face showed sorrow and sympathy.

What happened? I tried to recall, but I only found incoherent memory pieces. Together, they were a disjoint film. There was no way to trace it.

In the following days, a lot of people came to visit me. But I always felt that the one I was waiting for never appeared.

Hakase came today. He even brought three kids, who called me "Shinichi-niisan" in adorable voices. I smiled in response. But all of the sudden, I was asking myself a puzzling question. Why were there only three of them? The Organization had taken them as hostages, and I'd saved them. Children are always brave and strong. Now they were talking with excitement about the battle that day.

"It's a pity..." the girl said. I think she's Yoshida Ayumi-chan?

"Yeah! Yeah!" the boy with freckles and the chubby one nodded in agreement. They should be Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko-kun and Kojima Genta-kun respectively.

"If Ai-chan and Conan-kun were around, we would've solved the case even faster!" Ayumi-chan sounded disappointed.

Ai? I felt warmth when I heard the name, but before I could grasp hold of the image of a familiar someone, I lost her.

"Shinichi-kun!" I heard Hakase's anxious voice. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes!" I said hurriedly, my thoughts interrupted. "It's just... Did I forget some things, and some people? I dream of them often, but I can't remember them!"

"Must be hallucinations caused by the medication," Hakase said after a long pause. I saw that his eyes shone, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to say whatever it was he wanted to say. "I guess I should take the kids home now. Take care."

I watched as a distressed Hakase left the room. Maybe he knew something...

 **Part II**

 _I sleep, but my heart waketh._

(Shinichi's point of view)

There were gardens in the hospital for the patients. It was summer, so I sat in the shades to read but felt somewhat agitated. I didn't know what I was expecting. Cicadae were droning merrily at a distance; the warm breeze carried the scent of grass. It was a serene and beautiful afternoon. Sounds of shuffling feet came from ahead, and I lifted my head. For a moment, the world around me was silent. In front of me stood an eight- or nine-year-old girl, head lowered, wearing a light blue dress and holding a big bouquet of Forget-me-not in her hands. The wind blew by, ruffling her short, soft strawberry blonde hair and brushing upon the small flowers. Just like this, she stood about a yard from me and slowly lifted her head. As in my imagination, her eyes were blue like the sky, soft and rich. Moist as well, as if filled with tears. I jumped up and felt a jolt of pain. It might have been due to the wound on my shoulder, or it might have been something else. She was so similar to her, the girl in my dreams. But she was a stranger. Why would there be such a feeling of familiarity? When I realized what was happening, I was already in front of her, crouching down so that I could look into her eyes. The girl was startled but quickly got hold of herself.

"Hi." Her voice rang in my ears. "Hakase asked me to visit you." She smiled. It was a pretty smile.

Something told me I knew her, but that was only a feeling. I still couldn't figure out her name.

"Can you... tell me your name?" I smiled, beholding the girl's eyes. I saw a flash of desolation in them, and then I heard a soft sigh escape her mouth.

"Hi, I'm Haibara Ai. Nice to meet you."

Time might have stopped then in the afternoon of that summer day. The familiar yet unfamiliar girl extended her hand to me. I held it gently.

It is a noisy classroom filled with children's laughter and shouts. A new student, cute but calm and collected, heads straight for the boy's seat and sits down beside him; the boy is taken aback.

Another familiar scene—flashback. The same boy and the same girl. Would she be "her"?

"Hi, I'm Kudo Shinichi." I patted her head with a smile. "It's nice to meet you, too, Ai!" Would it be too rude to call her by her first name when we just met? But I felt as if I'd known her for a long time. There was no awkwardness.

The girl's head jerked up, her bright eyes twinkling. Her cheeks flushed, like she was angry. It was so cute to look at her. She lowered her head immediately and pushed the flowers into my arms.

"Get well soon. And be happy," she said and turned her heels, running off in a hurry.

I looked at the flowers, flowers with droplets of water on them, droplets like shattered diamonds. Forget-me-not? Is there anyone who can tell me, if I can't even remember, how am I supposed to forget?

 **Part III**

 _For thou hast delivered my soul from death; wilt not thou deliver my feet from falling._

(Ai's point of view)

Hakase came back from the hospital and rambled for a long time. But I was only concerned with one thing: was he well? Ever since he was admitted to the hospital, I'd been having the same nightmare every night: us attacked, Ayumi-chan captured, identity discovered, and then Gin's gun and twisted smile. The gun fires, I close my eyes. He is in a pool of blood but says with a smile, "Told you I'd protect you."

I'd wake up here, unable to distinguish the tears from the sweat on my face.

"Ai-kun," Hakase started slowly and carefully.

"What?" I was brought out of my reminiscence.

"That drug... Are you sure it'll make people forget certain things?" asked Hakase, concealing his worries.

"Sure," I replied simply. Of course it would. I promised myself that I'd return his normal life to him. On the other hand, my existence was like a shadow. If he didn't forget me, he would never be able to return to the beginning. I owed him and her too much. I might not even be able to make it up to them.

"But... what if he doesn't want to forget? Will that hinder the drug's effect?" Hakase was still anxious.

"Theoretically, yes. But the good thing about the drug is that the taker won't know what he has forgotten. So it's normal. Don't worry! It's the greatest invention of the century!" I tried to lighten up the atmosphere while I was puzzled by Hakase's questions. Was he doubting me? Why would I do something risky to him?

"Then... if the taker already knows that he's forgotten something, does it mean that the drug has failed?" Hakase continued to ask.

"Not necessarily. It'll be a while before the memory kicks in, and there has to be some sort of stimulus." I was becoming wary. Was it... "Him. Is something wrong with him?"

"Just now he asked me whether he'd forgotten some events or... people." Hakase sighed. "Actually, Ai-kun is very important." He headed for his room, mumbling to himself. Before he went in, he said to me, "Do you want to go and check on him?"

I couldn't stop repeating in my mind what Hakase had said. Maybe he didn't forget, maybe he didn't forget. My mind was blank.

 **Part IV**

 _The heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy._

(Ai's point of view)

Summer is full of sunshine; everything is full of life. I put on a blue dress, ready to visit him. It's not good to go empty-handed, right? With that thought, I found myself standing before a flower shop, in which the flowers were flourishing. The shop assistant introduced them to me with enthusiasm: newly arrived rose from England, specially cultivated lilies from the greenhouse... My gaze, however, rested on a spot in the corner of the shop. There was a big bunch of carelessly grown and tended Forget-me-not, the little blue flowers blooming together, content with themselves. I looked at the flowers silently, feelings complicated.

Before I could reach the building he was staying in, I had to go through a garden. Walking through the path surrounded by trees and bushes, I had a feeling that I'd meet him. Lifting my head a little, I saw him. He was wearing a white patient's outfit that made his face look even paler, and although he was in good spirits, he was still weak. My heart ached. I opened my eyes wide, held my head high, and hoped that the tears would freeze in my eyes. Don't cry! Don't! When my eyes refocused, he was already in front of me. I was surprised and delighted. Did it mean that, by coming straight to me, he still remembered?

Of course he would ask for my name. It was to be expected, then why the sorrow? Wasn't that what I always wanted?

I re-introduced myself, knowing that I couldn't shy away anymore. Nee-san's words echoed in my head, "God won't give us too much, so it's crucial that you know what you want beforehand." I held out my hand, deciding that I only wanted some warmth. From now on, I am only me, only Haibara Ai. In his past, in his memories, I never existed. I am only a primary school student. Maybe I can become his friend.

"It's nice to meet you, too, Ai!" I heard him call me that, but the Edogawa that I loved was no longer around. The tears that had dried returned once again. I hated it when I was like this.

I offered my blessings in haste, shoved the flowers into his arms, and before I could turn around, the tears gushed out. I lowered my head at once and rushed off.

 **Part V**

 _Ye have heard of the patience of Job._

(Shinichi's point of view)

I recovered quickly. It was only a few days before I could leave the hospital. Ran ran in and out to help me pack, stopping me whenever I offered to give a hand.

"Shinichi should concentrate on getting better!" Every time she said this, it was always as if she was talking to a child, and for some reason, it made me feel very warm inside. Having grown up with Ran, we were like... family? Why would I think this way?

I looked around, and my gaze rested on the flowers. Fragile and blue, they were. When I recalled that sunny afternoon and the girl who wished me happiness, I smiled.

"What's so funny?" I heard Ran's scolding voice. She looked at me in confusion as she came up to the vase.

"The flowers are dying. Why are you still staring at them?" she asked as she picked up the flowers. The dried petals and leaves fell onto the floor, causing my heart to ache for some reason.

"Wait!" I stepped up, gently took the flowers out of her hands, and when I noticed her perplexed expression, I smiled and explained, "I want to make dried flowers." But, why?

With my bag, we entered the lobby of the hospital. Hakase had already arrived with the car, waiting. The children and Ai were there, too, the three of them talking nonstop around Ai, as if to talk Ai out of something. Ayumi-chan was so anxious that her face was red.

While Hakase went to put my bag in the trunk, I insisted on carrying the bouquet of flowers to Ai and crouched down before her; the feeling that our eye levels were the same once was familiar.

"Haven't thanked you yet... for the flowers. They're really beautiful!" Under the sunlight, I saw the girl's smile bloom like a flower.

On the car, I vaguely followed the conversation between Ayumi-chan and Ai.

"Ai-chan, don't go! Conan-kun left, and now you're leaving too..." Ayumi-chan was pleading. The other two boys couldn't express themselves that well, so they remained quiet, but they were evidently worried.

"If I don't go, where will I stay?" The girl's tone was loving. "Don't worry, I'll call often!"

Ai was leaving? I felt my heart sinking, throat tightening. Was I carsick?

"Ai-chan's parents are coming to pick her up? Like Conan-kun?" Ran asked, concerned.

"Ho ho, no!" Hakase answered instead. "Fusae and I have decided to move to Britain, and we're bringing Ai-kun along!"

The chatters died down in the car; Ayumi-chan was probably tired from speaking and fell asleep leaning against Ai's shoulders. Ai looked up, and our gaze met briefly before she turned away to look out the window. In the silence, I felt "carsick" again.

 **Part VI**

 _I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love._

(Shinichi's point of view)

The next few days, Hakase started packing. Classes hadn't begun yet, so I often went over to help. Mostly because I wanted to see Ai, though. She seemed distracted somehow, those couple days.

When I arrived at Hakase's house today, I saw that the packing was almost done. Standing in the empty living room, I felt empty inside as well.

"Where's Ai?" I asked, looking around, worried that I couldn't see her.

"Well, she..." Hakase's face wasn't without concern. "...might be in the park. She hasn't been in a good mood lately; I told her to go take a walk outside." Hakase paused and looked at me earnestly. "You seem to get along well with Ai-kun. Want to go talk to her?"

I hurried to the park and searched for her, never feeling so frantic before. As the sun set, parents came to fetch their children home. I was about to leave and look elsewhere when I caught sight of a girl sitting alone on the swing. The light from the sunset dyed her hair orange-red and cast a long shadow behind her. Ignoring the pain I was feeling, I sat down quietly on the swing next to her.

What should I talk about? "Who else are in Ai's family?" Leaving their kid at someone else's house, don't tell me they're like my parents—abandoning their child to enjoy life abroad.

"Ai has a father, a mother, and a sister. But later on, it's just Ai." The girl rocked back-and-forth on the swing, crestfallen.

"So..." I didn't quite understand.

"Ai is... an orphan."

"Er..." I became stiff and apologized as fast as I could.

"It's alright once I'm used to it!" She stood up and patted my shoulder.

I really couldn't understand the girl in front of me—talking about her family that had passed away in such a tranquil manner. Just how calm did one need to be to accomplish this?

"You don't want to leave, right?" I prayed for an affirmative answer.

The girl looked at me in surprise and lowered her head. We remained silent with tacit understanding; I knew she was deciding. After a while, I saw the girl nod her head and then lightly shake her head. I actually felt to have been thrown off balance—of certitude, from so small an action.

"There are... good friends here." An ambiguous reply, but I knew her decision. I sighed in relief, feeling much happier than before.

I jumped off the swing.

"Ai, let's go home. I'll take care of you!" I offered my hand, smiling. She hesitated, but ultimately placed her hand in mine.

 **Part VII**

 _For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south._

(Ai's point of view)

It was fun to watch Hakase pack. Every time, he'd pick up a piece of furniture, a piece of clothing, or a lab equipment, set it down again, look at it and ponder for a while, and then with determination, keep! I was really impressed. If I didn't remind him every so often, he might as well ship the entire house to Britain.

"Ai-kuuun!" Hakase called out from the basement again. Whenever he couldn't make a decision, he'd send out sounds of such high decibels.

"Coming!" Really, now. Was it so difficult to make a decision?

"Ai-kun, these..." Hakase pointed to my former lab table. The one with all sorts of sensitive chemical equipments placed on top of it. I used to work by it endlessly, and now, it was covered in a thin layer of dust.

"Throw them away." Ever since the antidote was made, I had no more reasons to return to the lab table. It was as if all my energy and enthusiasm were sucked dry at once.

"Then, the antidote..." Hakase was holding a small box. "You really don't want to change back?" Hakase came forward to me and shoved the box into my hands. "Think it over again!"

I was the only one left in the lab. There really weren't anymore decisions needed to be made...

-x-

The night before the combat against the Organization, the girl handed the antidote to the boy.

"Why is there only one? What about yours?" Stubbornly, the boy looked into the girl's twinkling eyes; the tone was full of disgruntlement.

"I'm in charge of infiltrating the central system; it'll be more convenient with a small body." The girl's voice was indifferent.

"No! That's more dangerous!" The boy was trying hard to suppress his anger.

"There're enough people protecting me!" The girl's face was hidden in the dark; no one could see the tears streaming down.

"Fine!" The boy chucked the antidote onto the lab counter. "Give me the temporary antidote!" A stifled voice. "I said it before, I will never, ever, no matter what, leave you behind alone. Which part of that do you not understand!"

A long moment of silence, a challenge between the two in the dark.

The girl opened her mouth first. "All right, all right. I give up. Okay?" With that, she went to the other end of the table and took out a pill.

"There we go!" The boy's voice was delighted. "As reward, when everything's done, I'll give you something nice!"

-x-

At that time, he didn't know. I took the temporary antidote and gave him the real one, one with the ingredients that caused amnesia.

I headed to the sink, opened the faucet, and discarded the antidote, watching it slowly dissolve away in red.

Can't go back, can't go back anymore...

I need to go forward, so I can only seal off the road behind me.

 **Part VIII**

 _His banner over me was love._

(Ai's point of view)

I sat on the swing, still unable to decide. Today was the last day of packing, and Hakase had already reserved the plane tickets for tomorrow. I could decide on not changing back so easily, but I couldn't settle on the idea of leaving. Was I too selfish? Too many things went through my mind.

I stretched out my arms into the sunset, the slight sunlight warming my hands, and then curled my fingers slowly into a fist. The light leaked out between my fingers, and I couldn't grasp hold of anything. Could I only gain more by giving up on something? A conflicting thought on possession.

There was a slight movement at my side, and with the night breeze, there came a familiar presence.

I answered his questions without giving them much thought. They just seemed to have happened yesterday and yet I had no feelings for them. I was shocked by how numb I'd become.

"You don't want to leave, right?" I reacted a little; he could always guess my thoughts so easily.

Silence. Every time he asked me to make a decision on my own, I'd fall silent. I really wanted... to remain by his side. And besides, I was only a child, right? I had no power to change the future, so I wanted to do as I pleased for once.

"Ai, let's go home. I'll take care of you!"

I didn't know what to reply. Before I knew what was happening, I placed my hand in his. I knew that he'd take great care of me, just like a brother taking care of a sister. Kudo Shinichi, I'm just this dependent on you.

I think the life I have now is the normal life of a true eight-year-old.

Away from caffeine and alcohol, I'd be drinking fruit juice with vitamin C in the morning, and before bed, milk mixed with cinnamon powder that he made. Even so, I was still used to waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall asleep.

Over the weekend, I usually had nowhere else to go. He'd bring me along whenever he went to his soccer practice. I'd sit by the field to read, but my gaze was often on him, following him as he ran, until it hurt so much that I couldn't hold back the tears. Then, sitting there as time passed by, I'd fall asleep. In my dreams, I'd often see him walking slowly towards me and placing his hand on my strawberry blonde hair. I'd distinctly remember calling him Conan, and he'd respond with a smile. That moment was very comforting. When I woke up, I'd be on the sofa in his house, covered with one of his shirts that still had the clean scent of soap.

The tranquility of life made me feel as if I was in a dream.

 **Part IX**

 _He kept him as the apple of his eye._

(Shinichi's point of view)

She wasn't a child that I could understand. Too many unspeakable secrets in her heart, I believed, and thus often quiet. She didn't like milk, wasn't dependent on candies, showed no interest in vanilla ice cream, woke up in the middle of the night, and sat with a glass of water on the balcony until daybreak. There was that moment when I suspected that she wasn't a simple little girl. Because little girls wouldn't let me be at loose ends, wouldn't let my heart break.

But I liked to bring her by my side. I'd feel at peace. When I was at practice, she'd sit by the field and read. Like all kids, unconcerned about the things they were not interested in. After my practice, I'd find her asleep on the bench. Having lived with her for a couple of weeks, I knew she wasn't someone who could fall asleep easily. So every time, I'd pick her up gently and let her head rest securely on my shoulder. The breeze would bring forth her breath, like hand grazing gently over the heart. I'd pat her back lightly. In her dreams, she'd only call out one name. I think Conan is the one she likes and depends on.

Ever since I recovered, I started dating Ran. It was something that I thought I should be doing, but I didn't want it to become a responsibility. Nevertheless, I felt that I was waiting, even though I didn't know what I was waiting for. And this feeling grew with every passing day, making me agitated.

"Ai, I'm back!" I opened the door and the very thought of seeing Ai reassured me.

No one responded. I looked in the doorway and saw her shoes. She should be back. This child... I tiptoed upstairs. The door of her room was open, so I decided to play a prank to make her jump. I didn't know since when, but in front of her, I'd often do things that I would've called childish before. All of it just to see her smile, a true smile. Sweet, enchanting.

"Hello... Conan-kun?" Ai was making a phone call.

I stood by her door, not eavesdropping on purpose. Just, it was just I couldn't move. Conan... It wasn't the first time I'd heard that name. It was really familiar, but I couldn't remember exactly. These blanks in my memory drove me insane. Last time I was at Hakase's house, I noticed several weird gadgets invented deliberately for little kids. For this Conan, too.

"Conan-kun and Ai-kun are very close." I remembered when I suggested to Hakase to let Ai come and live with me, this came out of nowhere as we chatted. Last time I carried Ai back home, she muttered something in her sleep, and it was this name too. Childhood friends, huh, I thought, heart feeling heavy as if there was a stone on top of it. I heard that kid moved to America. Brat! I thought, how could you abandon Ai here? There was no reason; I simply felt angry.

"Conan... I want you to come back." Ai's soft voice contained desolation.

I couldn't help but peek inside. I saw Ai sitting on the floor, holding the receiver in one hand, and twisting the phone cord with the other. Her head was lowered, her long bangs covering her eyes. I couldn't see her face clearly. But I knew she was sad, and that made me sad too. There was a jolt of pain in my heart.

"Hey, you..."

I was discovered. I refocused my attention; it was Ai's shocked face, slightly flushed. I saw clearly the tear stains near her eyes.

"Ah-ha! I just came up to call you down for afternoon tea!" I smiled as I approached her. I didn't want her to be sad. No! No! Before she realized what was happening, I picked her up from the floor and stroked her strawberry blonde hair out of habit. Cooperating, she wrapped her arms around my neck. I couldn't believe that my heartbeat increased. So I repeated to myself, she's just a child, just a child.

"We're having mango pudding! Do you like it?" I said and laughed loudly to change the subject.

 **Part X**

 _But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb._

(Shinichi's point of view)

For the next few days, Ran had practice after school every day because of a competition. As her boyfriend, I couldn't just run off beforehand, right? The practices ended at six, followed by evaluations. We had to hang around until seven o'clock before we could leave. No one was taking care of Ai at home! And that worried me!

7:20. I glanced at my watch, worried like nuts. After sending Ran home, I rushed off immediately. It wasn't funny to starve a child!

"Ai..." I pushed open the door and saw her come out from the kitchen. "I'm so sorry..." She must be starving. I hurried into the kitchen. "Eh?" There, on the table, steaming, were spaghetti and borsches. And they looked delicious.

"I found canned food in the kitchen," the girl explained to me as she served me some spaghetti.

"Ohh." I sat down at the table. What an unbelievable girl.

"Say..." Ai lifted her head. "Why don't I stay over at Ayumi-chan's house for a while?"

"What!" I blurted out while my mouth was still full of spaghetti and unintentionally choked myself.

"You..." Ai passed me a piece of tissue. "...have to be with your girlfriend until so late, yet you still want to come back and cook. Your girlfriend won't be pleased! If I stay over at Ayumi-chan's house, you'll be able to have dinner with your girlfriend before coming back." Her understanding smile. Yet I wished to see something more in it.

"So it's settled. I'll go over tomorrow." Before I could react, she hurried upstairs.

"Oh great." I was a bit upset.

-x-

I'd just had dinner with Ran. But during that time, I was thinking about what Ai was doing, what Ai was doing. I don't even think I know what I'd eaten. If this continued, I thought, I'd become schizophrenic sooner or later.

"Ai, I'm back!" I called out habitually as I opened the door. The living room was empty and quiet, save the echo. I stood in the same spot, not knowing what to do, and started to feel unfamiliar with a house without Ai. My mind became blank as a wave of anxiety came forth. I looked at the clock on the wall: 8:30. There was still time. I rushed to the phone.

"Hello. Yoshida residence." On the other side of the phone line, I vaguely distinguished the familiar voice and calmed down.

"Yoshida-san? I'm looking for Haibara Ai!" I named.

"Hey, why did you call?" It was her voice, and I beamed.

"Ai! You wait there; I'm coming to fetch you home!" I hung up, put on my jacket with light-speed, but didn't want to figure out what the feeling was at that moment. I was just afraid that she'd leave.

 **Part XI**

 _If these should hold their peace, the stones would immediately cry out._

(Shinichi's point of view)

By the time I picked Ai up from Ayumi-chan's house, it was almost ten. I held her hand tightly, puzzled by the feeling that she'd vanish if I let go. I seemed... to have lost, at some point, someone this way.

It was silent on the way back. Ai looked sleepy, letting me lead her with her eyes closed. I felt embarrassed by how differently I'd acted today from usual. Why did I act so rash, and what made me lose my rationality? These bothered me.

Ai leaned her head against my arm, looking as if she was about to fall asleep.

I crouched down. "How about I piggyback you?"

Ai complied and climbed onto my back, resting her head on my shoulder, her breathing steady. The cool night breeze blew her soft breath down my neck, bringing forth a warm and prickly feeling. The girl was light, but why did it feel so heavy inside? Where had I seen something similar?

There seemed to be fire up front.

-x-

The boy is carrying the girl on his back and walking unsteadily amid the fire.

"Wake up! Wake up, don't sleep! Don't sleep!" The boy turns his head around and shouts with hysteria to the girl on his back. He is this afraid to lose her, this afraid that she'd sleep and never wake up again. This afraid.

The girl's eyes flicker open a little.

"I almost saw nee-san. Why did you come back for me?" The girl's voice is weak, but tone—unwavering.

"Oh good. I almost lost you," the boy rejoices.

The fire spreads further, the smoke grows thicker. The building begins to collapse.

The boy staggers.

"You! Put me down!" The girl struggles, distraught. "I don't want to owe you anything anymore!"

"Shut up, you!" the boy yells, angered. "Who says you don't owe me? Let me tell you, since the moment you showed up before me, you owe me. Live. You have to pay me back later, you hear? I..."

-x-

"Hey! We're here. Where're you going?" Ai woke up.

"Oh, oh. We passed." I smiled, troubled by who they were. Why did I remember the event so clearly but not the faces?

I became extremely interested in that Edogawa Conan, whom I'd never met before. And it seemed that it wasn't just because he was special to Ai but also because of some other reason that I didn't know.

I'd tried asking Ai. I think she should know a lot, but whenever I brought up the word "Edogawa," she'd become wary and not mention their past.

I could only ask others.

"Conan-kun... my first impression was that he's like the younger version of Shinichi!" Ran told me one day after school when I asked her about Edogawa.

"Conan-kun will act like an adult when he's solving a case!" This was the first sentence Ayumi-chan said without hesitation when I asked her.

Although I asked two different people, they both gave the exact same "Ai-chan and Conan-kun are really close to each other." And it was always brought up at the end as a conclusion of some sort.

Ran even brought me a picture of the two of them. The two children were resting their heads against each other. Under the sun, in the young smiling faces, there was radiance. The boy's bemused smile was familiar to me. Maybe it was as Ran said, he looked like me when I was younger. Ai's smile was as usual, calm and indifferent, like water. But there was an extra sense of security and dependence on her face. This was probably... the expression of happiness?

I wanted that photo.

"Did Ai-chan ask you to bring it to her?" Ran looked at me in suspicion.

"Ah, yeah, yes." I lied.

"Then they made up?" Ran became excited. "When the photo was developed, let alone keep it, Ai-chan didn't even want to look at it. Probably because Conan-kun was leaving, so they weren't on good terms. Now they've made up; that's awesome!" Ran even told me, longwindedly, a lot of their past. Thus I knew: Ai got into deduction and soccer all because of that person. And by maintaining these habits now was probably her own way of remembering him.

I looked at the photo, thinking about when I should take a picture with Ai as well. I wanted her to smile even happier than she did next to this person.

 **Part XII**

 _Canst thou guide Arcturus with his sons?_

(Ai's point of view)

The boy opened the door, and the gentle sunlight seeped through the opening, landing on the girl sitting in the doorway.

"Hey..." The girl lifted her head and squint her eyes a little; her voice contained slight irritation.

"Hurry. Let me walk you to school first." The boy, his back facing the sun, smiled, and extended his hand to the girl.

The girl regarded him with seriousness, her gaze wavering and long. She stood up, smoothed her skirt, and said, "No. Don't let Ran... neechan wait too long." And then she walked past him and out the door without looking back.

The boy's hand remained extended in the air, along with his smile...

But she would remember, his hand had extended out to her like that in the sun, waiting for her, and there was everything that he could give—warmth, trust, comfort... except love.

She'd always rejected imperfect things. Therefore, she herself was a huge imperfection...

Mr. Detective would walk Angel to school every morning. Their relationship was going well. Each time, I'd excuse myself and walk to school with Ayumi-chan instead of him. I might not be of large watts, but it could still be pretty bad being the light bulb. I knew better.

"Ayumi-chan!" I could see Ayumi-chan looking from a distance.

"Ai-chan!" Ayumi-chan dragged out her voice, smiling brightly.

"Ai-chan." Her voice was soft.

"Mm?" I saw that she was a little hesitant.

"Did Conan-kun... call?" Her voice was as soft as could be.

"Eh?" I jumped, unable to respond for the moment. If I said he did, Ayumi-chan might want to wait for his call stubbornly, and that would be a very messy situation; I didn't want to lie to her. If I said he didn't, I was afraid it'd burst the young girl's bubble and hurt her.

"He didn't?" Ayumi-chan's voice was disappointed.

"Even if he did call, he wouldn't call me!" I decided to change the topic, but little girls still needed to be cheered up. "Though, it might be a certain would-be girlfriend!" I hinted her with my gaze.

"What? That's not Ai-chan?" Ayumi-chan looked at me seriously. "Didn't Conan-kun tell you? That jerk!" Ayumi-chan looked mad.

I was confused. What did he say?

"Conan-kun told me before he left." Ayumi-chan's face was as red as an apple. "He said he liked Ai-chan. We were only friends."

I fumed. That kid sure liked to cause trouble for people! I remembered reminding him before he returned that he shouldn't let the little girl keep on dreaming and that he should end things early. I couldn't believe that he used me as the shield.

"Ai-chan, I miss Conan-kun. Do you think he forgot about us?" Ayumi-chan's voice shook.

I didn't know what to say. Because he really had forgotten. I'm sorry, I thought, can you forgive my selfishness?

"I miss him, too." I missed Conan, and only Conan. Really.

 **Part XIII**

 _Many kings sat down upon the ground._

(Ai's point of view)

Maybe it was because of what happened in the morning, I'd been feeling down for the entire day. I returned to my room, feeling blue, and wanted to talk to someone. Subconsciously, I picked up the phone. Before, there was neesan. What about now? I pushed down several buttons.

"Hello. Edogawa Conan isn't home right now. Please leave a message after the beep. Thank you." The familiar voice pulled me into the past, letting me believe that nothing had happened at all. Conan was still around. I looked at the display on the phone, trying very hard to regain my thoughts, but I couldn't help laughing. That was before the Organization was brought down. To prevent hurting the people around him, using the excuse of returning to America, he settled down in a nearby rented apartment and only gave me the telephone number. Those few digits, I was surprised to have remembered them.

"Hello... Conan-kun?" I was mentally laughing at my weakness, putting on the telephone show again. I was thinking, if he knew, he might start blabbering again. But this time, there'd be no one to unplug the phone line. Never again. My eyes started to sting. So... silly.

"Conan... I want you to come back." I used a voice that was only audible to me to say this secret. Really, I wanted.

I felt better as I hung up. I lifted my head.

"Hey, you..." I didn't know when Kudo-kun came to the door and stood there like a wooden log. Damn. I guess I'd become a bit slow from all the peaceful days recently. How much did he hear? But, Conan should be someone of no interest to him.

Suddenly, I was lifted off the ground. Losing balance, I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"We're having mango pudding!" I knew he was comforting me, so it didn't matter whether he heard it or not. All I had to do now was to play the role of a child that caused no worries.

I was playing dolls at Ayumi-chan's house. We were almost ten, and we were playing dolls. What was I doing when I was her age? Looking back, I couldn't remember any of that time. No doubt, this was the childhood of a normal person. Though I might feel bored, I played along nevertheless. I was learning how to become lovable. Because I finally understood, a simple mind could easily bring happiness. So I was thinking of finding that person and handing all my burden to him. Unfortunately, before he met me, he was already carrying another girl's burden. I didn't want him to bear it anymore. This revelation disappointed me so...

My heartbeat fastened. I lifted my head. 8:30. What was I waiting for?

The telephone rang.

"Ai-chan, your family is looking for you!" Yoshida-san's warm voice called out.

Family? That word sounded foreign. Could he become my family?

I picked up the phone, wondering why he would call me. The television at Ayumi-chan's house was a little loud, so I didn't catch all that he'd said, except the last line: "I'm coming to fetch you home!" I felt my eyes watering again. He might have just said it, but it touched me indefinitely. I finally had a home...

The sky was like black silk with occasional dark red clouds floating by. But there weren't any stars, and there wasn't the moon. It was really quiet. The street lamps glowed dimly, and the surroundings became blur. He hid my hand in his—a large palm that was warm and strong. He held tightly onto my hand, as if afraid to lose it. I was sleepy, so I decided to shut my eyes and let him lead, fearing nothing. Only because of him, only because of home...

Then I climbed onto his back, feeling surreal. It was always so secure there, and a place where I wished to stay. Always.

 **Part XIV**

 _Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?_

(Shinichi's point of view)

My head felt like it'd been hit by a metal baseball bat. Drenched in sweat, I forced my eyes open. I had no idea why I was getting these periodic headaches lately. And it got worse with every successive day. I picked up my watch. 2:30 a.m. So early. I flipped out of bed, grabbing the painkillers on the way, and downed them with ice water. The headache began to ease. I also felt more awake than before. Guess I'd be sitting till morning again.

"If you feel any discomfort, just take these pills. I asked a friend to make these painkillers. You'll feel much better after taking them!" I'd been puzzling over Hakase's advice that he gave me before he left. Since when did he know people who made drugs? But without doubt, the pills were effective. It was just that there were side effects. Dreams were common over these several months, but I never remembered them when I woke up. It was frustrating, really.

Sounds of feet shuffling came from outside the door. I knew by intuition that Ai couldn't sleep again. Really now. As a young child, why would she have insomnia? But in a sense, it wasn't so bad. At least I had someone to talk to at this hour of night. If this were before, I would not have imagined to be able to find so much to talk about with a kid. Soccer (wins and losses), the art of deduction (and the stumps). When she devouted her full attention to listen, she seemed fragile, and in her expression, there was the smile that I seeked in my memories. All those deductions that I could never get Ran to understand, Ai seemed to understand. When it was soccer season, she would also set the alarm like I did and watch the live broadcast in the middle of the night. Sometimes we would communicate in an adult manner—simple, direct. Sometimes it would be a gaze or a movement. I never worried that she wouldn't understand, because everything I thought, she seemed to understand...

"Ai sure knows a lot, eh? Tell me, are you an adult in a child's body?" Such an awkward statement—question, yet I deemed it reasonable. I often teased her with that question. A joking tone, a serious question.

"No! Ai is eight years old." Every time, she would use that answer. Direct, and serious.

Funny. Even if she answered yes, what difference would it make?

I think I really need to find some time to go to the Church to confess. I need to ask for forgiveness, for falling in love with a child. I need to change this feeling into a pure liking, the way I love soccer and deduction.

I opened the door.

Ai was standing by the phone.

I knew she was calling Conan again. I'd been taking note of this for a while—it was always Ai calling that kid. Never did he call her once. If the chance came, I'd have to teach him a lesson!

I hesitated for a moment when I picked up the receiver. What did any of this have to do with me? Why was I worried? Ai had the habit of walking on the inside when walking shoulder-to-shoulder with others. She'd cross her arms in front of her chest when speaking to strangers. These are unconscious acts of the need to be protected and cared for. Ai never mentioned, so I thought Conan wouldn't know. But I needed him to be clear that he shouldn't leave her, he shouldn't... I pushed the redial button. I only had one thing in mind; I wanted to make sure that she would be happy. That was all.

"Hello. Edogawa Conan isn't home right now..." The voice came from an answering machine from the other side of the phone line, and it echoed in the cold, stiff air. It sounded familiar. Who was it? Who! Except, that wasn't important right now. Ai'd just made a call. She couldn't have been talking to an answering maching all this time, could she?

I was furious. She was always like that, never facing her true feelings. What was she afraid of? Wait, hold on. Always? Who was always like what? It was always like this, the headaches returning at the crucial moments. And I could think no further. I supported myself with my hand and slowly strolled out of the room. I wanted to know the truth.

 **Part XV**

 _Lord, remember David, and all his afflictions._

(Shinichi's point of view)

I see them again, arguing about who knows what. The excited tones, the scurrying footsteps. The girl shoves the boy to the side and rushes up the stairs on her own. The boy turns his head but is unable to catch up in the end...

-x-

"Megure-keibu? This is Kudo. There's something I need your help..."

I used the key that Megure-keibu gave me to open the heavy wooden door to the archive room. The dark room seemed even creepier with the seep-in of sunlight. The familiarity led me to recall a girl curled up in the corner. Crying. Strawberry blonde hair, cold eyes, and tear marks around the eyes became the only clues for me to recall a dream scene. That girl looked like Ai, except that her eyes contained much pain and grief.

I had a bad feeling. If Ai left me, it would only be because of that person named Edogawa.

"Edogawa...Edogawa..." I repeated the name to myself as I searched for the name in the records. But there was nothing. I concluded two things: either this person never existed, or he changed citizenship. Neither of them spelled good news for Ai.

Finally, I found the boy with glasses on the records of citizenship-transfer. His lips formed a straight line, a kind of seriousness that didn't match his age. Are all document photos like this? My eyes trailed down the page.

Name: Edogawa Conan

Gender: Male

Date of Birth: ...

Place of Birth: ...

Parents/Guardians: ...

Blood Type: ...

etc...

etc...

Time of Death: …

Conan wasn't around anymore. But oddly enough, no one seemed to know. However, I needed Ai to understand that the person she was waiting for was no longer around. Although the truth would bring pain, it was better than an empty hope.

The morning sunshine passed through the broad windows of the living room, mixing lazily into the room's atmosphere. Aside the occasional clanging between the knives and forks at the table, silence lingered. The handsome black-haired teen was displaying an unusual hesitation compared to his usual directness. It was obvious it was difficult for him to find the right words.

"Um... Is Edogawa well in America?" the teen said quickly, almost biting his tongue, and added, "Ran wants to know..."

The girl jerked her head up at the mention of Edogawa, her whole body tensing, and regarded the teen before her in suspicion. She relaxed a little after hearing what he had added.

"Well then," the girl started slowly. "Kudo-kun, how's your life?" She was drinking a glass of milk, and the blurred voice hid the accidentally-shown emotions.

"Good, good." The teen blinked his eyes. "Although a certain Princess is not easy to please at times..." He tried to avoid using the word "Angel," as she seemed to have a thing against that word. He smiled as he regarded the girl's helplessness. And then, "Ai! You're off-topic!"

"Oh, well. He says he's fine..." The girl kept her gaze low and focused on spreading jelly on her slice of bread. Her bangs prevented one from reading her eyes, but her tone betrayed melancholy.

The teen's gaze dulled immediately. "Is that so?"

"Yes." The girl stared off into space. "He can finally be with his Angel..." The sad atmosphere lingered with the steam from the hot milk. She didn't realize her mistake until she caught sight of the teen's expression. "Oh, Angel is a girl. She's very nice..." she added quickly.

So. Trying to convince me that the Angel was a human. She's so... cute. Did she think I was a child? No doubt, Ai knew everything. She kept it from Ran, from Ayumi-chan, only to lessen their burden. Therefore, she carried an even larger burden. Trying to forget, struggling against memories, enduring the pain. Sad, but trying hard. I didn't know what would help her, so I could only care for her more...

"Ai! The sun's good today! Let's smile instead!" After the teen's enthusiastic statement, the heavy atmosphere was gone in an instant. The girl resisted the desire to call him a moron and tugged the corner of her mouth. "Not like that!" The teen extended his hand, held her face, and shaped her lips into a pretty arc with his thumbs. "Remember, Ai, smile like this!"

That's right. Ai smiled like this.

When Ai's smile grew brighter and brighter like the sky, my headaches grew worse and worse. And it wasn't just during the night. It was during the day as well. Sometimes, it was bearable, and other times, it was murderous. Add the recent soccer match played in the rain, and it was periodic fever. In the beginning, I took some medicine without giving much thought and decided that was enough to recover. Who would know...

-x-

"I say, who are you? And what are you to me?" I blurted out to her, who reappeared in my dream. Besides the difference that the girl had become a teenager, there was a strange restlessness in me.

"Do you have a fever?" I saw her come closer and place a hand against my forehead to feel the temperature. The touch from her cold but gentle hand filled in the blanks in my memories.

The teen grabbed the girl's wrist. "You're..."

-x-

I woke up and saw Ai standing beside my bed. Her eyes were deep with fear. So the hand I caught was hers. We were so close that I could smell the sweet scent from her lotion. Her looks began to coincide with the one in the dream. Wait...

"Did I say something in my sleep?" I remembered saying a name.

"It must be tough. Thinking about Ran-neechan even in your sleep. I'll call her to come over to take care of you now." She yanked out her wrist that I was holding and hurried out the door. When she turned, she seemed upset.

The teen was left staring at the orange sunlight. He mumbled the name "Mouri Ran, Mouri Ran" to himself. Strange. It didn't sound the same. It had different syllables. And the emotions were different too.

When the last of the leaves turned red, I received a long-distance call from Hakase saying that they wanted Ai to go over. "We've found a school. Fusae misses her a lot, and she says it's not good for a girl to be alone away from home..." He didn't pause, didn't give me a chance to say no. I had the feeling that as long as I remembered something, even a name, I would have the right to let her stay. Except since that incident, Ai seemed to consciously distance herself from me. I couldn't stop the anxious feeling. That feeling, if it was just pure liking, it wouldn't matter so...

 **Part XVI**

 _Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high: I cannot attain unto it._

(Ai's point of view)

 _You won't know, but I try so hard to smile everyday just so you can see it, even if it's only for a second..._

The orange light from the desk lamp engulfed the girl, but it wasn't able to keep out the cold. The girl huddled deeper into her clothes and stared at the books in front of her. She didn't seem to be bothered by the difficulty of the homework. So then what?

8:15 p.m. I forgot how many times I'd glanced at the clock. The phone call was so long. The girl rested her head on the desk and watched the second-hand of the clock tick away. From the living room, she could hear "Ran... Ran..." Nonstop.

Ever since that detective came back, he'd been on the phone. There were periods of silence, but then he'd be chatting again. Couldn't they get enough of each other at school? Guess their relationship was going very well. Soon, my stomach began to growl considerably. If I waited till he decided to cook, I would've starved to death. He didn't know how to take care of himself, and I was dragged down with him. Thinking about this, I opened the door to take a look at what was left in the kitchen. In the air, there was a thick smell—definitely curry. I was like a dog that'd just located food, following the scent to the kitchen.

"And then it's carrot, right? But Ai doesn't like onions... Is it okay if I just put a bit?" The teen had the phone receiver tucked between his ear and shoulder. His left hand was holding the spoon, his right hand was holding the recipe. He hadn't even taken off his school uniform yet. With an apron on, he looked as silly as he could get. Suddenly, he caught sight of the strawberry blonde entering the doorway and smiled in reaction. "Oh, yeah, I'm almost done. Thank you. I'll bring some to school for you tomorrow as a thank-you gift. See you. Bye."

"Why are you just standing there, Ai?" His warm voice coming from overhead startled me.

"No. Nothing." It wasn't like I did anything wrong. Why did I feel guilty? He crouched down and lifted me into a chair. "Hungry, right? Just hang on for one more minute." He patted my head with a smile and returned to his cooking.

I let my gaze wander around the room so that my heart would stop pounding. There was something different about the room. Among the tidily arranged Sherlock Holmes novels, several cookbooks stuck out. If you looked closer, it was a set that included the basic, the theoretical, and the practical. The old tapes that recorded mystery shows now were changed to recording cooking shows. Apparently, he took notes while he was watching them. I think he might have even considered attending some sort of culinary school. I suppose I did have some responsibility in changing him into this "motherly detective."

"Come. See how my skills are." He placed the curry rice on the table as if he was presenting a treasure and sat sideways on the other side of the table.

The brown-yellow curry had the delicious, thick spicy smell. I felt tremendous warmth in me—this must be the feeling of "home." The word came to life before me. It was as if I was Helen feeling "water" for the first time.

"Why did you suddenly think of making curry?" I poured him a glass of water. "It's not your strong point." But speaking of the strong points in his cooking, they were probably salad, eggs, and toast. Fast food.

"That's why I have to learn! Didn't you say you want to eat curry?" As if he was struck, he gave me the don't-tell-me-you've-forgotten look.

"Huh?" There was a short circuit in my brain. Oh. I remembered now. A few days ago, I found him watching a cooking show teaching how to make curry. I think I said "Neesan used to make that. I miss it." Something like that. This moron. He remembered. I felt a jolt of pain in my heart. My eyes began to sting, but I refrained from showing any outward emotions. "It tastes great. Really, really great!" At this moment, it didn't matter whether the curry was burnt or the rice half-cooked. It was great.

"That's good!" He shifted to the left and showed me the big pot of curry. "Sigh. The recipe said it was for five people. And I didn't know how to cut it down..." He cast me an apologetic look.

I guess we'd be eating curry for the next three days. I never understood why he couldn't figure out solutions at times like this. But, "Never mind. I'll finish all of them!" I said with enthusiasm.

It felt like the door of my heart opened slightly, letting in sunshine and breeze. I was happy.

"We can do it!" he said. I didn't know what to say after that, and the house fell to its custom silence. All of the sudden, Time and Space lost their meanings and boundary. The only thing now is for the two people to be together. Nothing else. Nothing in the past, nothing in the future. Only a quiet space of existence to warm us. However, even though I couldn't put it into words, this type of feeling made me sure that I would have to pay a price later. This foreboding feeling was strong and frightening.

"So, can I replace that person now?" he said suddenly. I was still deep in my thoughts and did not grasp the full meaning.

"But neesan's cooking was much better than yours!" I joked. The things in the future had nothing to do with the me in the present. Thinking like this made me more cheerful.

"No. I meant Edogawa." Not again. Ever since that breakfast, he'd often say odd things like this. Weird.

Although I tried hard to regard Edogawa Conan and Kudo Shinichi as two different people, it was still weird to hear him say "I want to replace myself." "Edogawa is irreplacable," I reminded him kindheartedly. There was only one Edogawa, and there was only need for one Kudo Shinichi. Nothing was perfect in the world. I'd finally understood.

"Yeah, I guess. Well then, I'll just have to do better than him!" He quickly resumed his joking tone.

If that was just to comfort a child, he didn't have to repeat it so many times.

Time seemed to stand still, and I hoped that the future me would be able to be like this. I hoped hard. Even so, the thing I feared still happened...

 **Part XVII**

 _In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider._

(Ai's point of view)

I watched the clouds that looked like big chunks of cotton stuck in the sky. I still remembered the cold from winter. I still wanted to see more blossom from spring. Summer can't come yet.

The flowers of the Flame of the Forest bloomed. The flowers on the roadside looked as if they were starting to burn as I stared at them. The sunlight reflected off the petals of the flowers, so bright that my eyes began to hurt.

I couldn't see Time flow, but I was tired of the chase...

"What are you looking at, Ai-chan? So deep in thoughts." Ran moved a bit closer, and the scent from her shampoo grew stronger. Fresh fruit smell. "The sun is bright,"—she placed a hand over my head—"it'll hurt your eyes."

"Oh..." I didn't know how else to respond, but I couldn't help glancing toward the door. Damn Kudo. Late when he asked his girlfriend out. Leaving me to be the hostess.

"Uh... Shinichi, he..." I turned around and saw Ran hesitating with her words. "Um... Shinichi seems to like Ai-chan a lot." Ran was serious. "Does Ai-chan feel that way too?" I almost laughed out loud. Those two lovebirds. One wasn't playing the hard-to-get role well. One wasn't chasing hard enough. And now enter the messy situation. Jealousy. Of a child.

"Yesss." I purposely dragged out the syllable and picked up the teddy bear next to me. "Just like he likes teddy. I like Ran-neechan a lot too." I was impressed by how well I played the innocent child's role.

"I see." Ran was relieved and her smile widened. "Ai-chan, look what I brought." Ran pulled out a family-sized box of ice-cream from her bag. "It's vanilla. Ai-chan needs to help with eating this!"

Looking at the ice-cream and facing the sunshine type of smile, I agreed, despite my thoughts on a stomachache-to-come.

"Wow, a get-together!" Speak of the devil. With that, I felt my hair ruffled. Aware that it'd be useless to protest, I endured it.

"Why are you so late?" Ran asked as she served me a bowl of ice-cream.

"Oh, something came up at the police station. Took some time. Sorry for letting you wait." Kudo put down the thick pile of files he was carrying. "Hey, Ai can't have ice-cream." He opened the fridge. "She gets stomachaches." He turned to look at me. "How about milk?"

"Can't I have just a bit?" I noticed the disappointment on Ran's face. It wasn't as if the stomachaches were that bad.

"Milk mixed with honey will be just as sweet as ice-cream." Stubborn Kudo. He even pushed away the bowl of ice cream in front of me. "Kids need to listen to adults." Couldn't he be a little more considerate to his girlfriend?

Kudo was busying himself with the milk. I never picked up topics. Half-way discussions were common in the house. We were used to it, but Ran looked around, obviously feeling uneasy in such an atmosphere.

"When are you getting your visa, Ai-chan?" Ran tried to find something to talk about. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's still on the waitlist." I'd handed in the form early. I hoped it'd be sooner than later.

"What waitlist? Maybe you won't get the visa!" Kudo handed me the glass of milk. Smirks were all over his face.

Ran glared at him. "What's with you not wanting Ai-chan to go over?"

I picked up the glass and headed to my room. I was planning to take a nap after finishing the milk.

"What's wrong with that?" Kudo's voice was loud and bright. "Right?" Very, very bright.

No. It wasn't right, I corrected him in my mind.

When I woke up, my head was heavy. The street lamps were lighting up. I had a suspicion that Kudo didn't put honey but sleeping pills in the milk. How else would I sleep like the dead? The room was silent like the dead, too. I jerked up, hopped off bed, and hurried out the door, wanting to get away from the darkness.

"Sleeping beauty has awakened!" Kudo announced as he looked up from the files scattered around on the floor. Smiling, he came forward to take my hand. "I'd starve to death if you didn't come."

I jumped onto the chair to avoid his hand. "What were you looking at?" I fiddled with the silverware and rambled.

"Nothing. Just taking a look at the cases I'd been working on in the past. How come I don't remember those that I'd solved abroad?"

I lowered my head as he passed me a plate. I guess this was guilt.

"Hey, are you listening?" He knocked on my forehead with his knuckle, forcing me to look at him.

"Yes, I'm listening. Maybe it's because you were exhausted?" Even I thought the excuse was lame.

"Is that so? I thought a fairy stole my memories." He sat down with a smile. "I really want to find her. To ask that those memories be returned."

I glared. "The only person who'd do that is probably a witch. So don't expect her to regret what she's done." I seriously think he'd been around kids for too long when he was Conan. If the police heard that their "savior" made such lame jokes, I don't know what I'd see on their faces.

"Hey, listen. I found something interesting." He leaned closer, sounding as mysterious as he could. "It has to do with that explosion. The time I rescued Genta and the others."

My heart skipped several beats. This was not good.

"The newspaper said that there was another girl who was admitted to the hospital along with me. But there was no information on that girl." Kudo paused. "There was only a name. Miyano Shiho. It sounds familiar, but I can't remember where I've heard that name. My head hurts." He curled his fingers into a fist and knocked on his head, wandering deep into his thoughts...

Was the truth coming out? My mind went blank. My thoughts tangled up like threads. No, no. I took in three deep breaths in a row and forced myself to calm down. I knew this couldn't go any further. I couldn't let him work through on his own. Sooner or later, he'd deduce everything onto me. According to experience, I had to break him from his thoughts. So how. How? Watching him ponder with his head lowered, I felt like I was going to explode. I looked around for the object of distraction and settled on the bowl of seaweed-egg soup. Without a second thought, my hand went toward it as if it had a mind of its own.

"Hot!" Along with the clatter from the fall of the bowl of soup was the girl's cry of surprise.

"What?" The teen was brought back to reality. "The soup is just made. It's hot!" He scurried to get a piece of wet cloth and carefully wiped away the soup on the girl's hand and shirt. "You can't even quiet down when you're eating. Can't take care of yourself,"—he regarded me closely—"how am I supposed to let you go abroad without worrying sick?"

I really wanted to tell him that I wasn't a child. His worries were unnecessary.

"Sorry. It was an accident." The soup was unexpectedly hot. I should've chosen a glass of water or a bowl of rice or something else.

"Ai..." There was something wrong about the atmosphere. He rarely stopped in the middle of a sentence. He was still holding onto my hand, and the cloth dripped with water. His head was lowered, and I panicked, not being able to read his expression. I couldn't prepare myself to react to whatever happened next. "If I say, I really, really like Ai, will you stay? I want to take care of you. Always. And forever." Suddenly, he lifted his head and looked at me. He wasn't joking. He was serious.

I wasn't sure of his feelings. Sympathy for a child without a home? Or love for a kitten or puppy?

"You like me? Thanks for the compliment!" I tugged my hand out of his with a smile. I couldn't think of any other expression that would hide my anxiety. The best part about acting a child is that we can play innocent.

He blinked, but didn't say anything else. He seemed downhearted. "I'll get you another bowl of soup." The house fell silent again. As if nothing had happened.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and realized that my hands were cold. I didn't even realize that my fingers had dug deep into the palm of my hand.

I was relieved when I received a phone call from the embassy a few days later. I could go in a few days. Fusae-san even called me to congratulate me. She said that we might even have a chance to visit France. Provence in the summer, I heard, had cloud-like lavendar. Fields and fields of it. Extremely beautiful.

I couldn't wait. I wanted to leave early.

 **Part XVIII**

 _Lord, whither goest thou?_

(Ai's point of view)

The sunlight brought with it the special warmth of the afternoon and spread it through the quiet atmosphere. People came and went in the departure hall of the airport, but I could only hear the clock tick away. I knew I was waiting for a person. Someone who would not come.

"Ai-chan, I've checked us in." Fusae stood next to me and peered outside. "Shinichi-kun hasn't come yet?"

"Ran-neechan won." The girl's eyes were fixed on the news broadcast on the television. It was news on the National Karate Championship. "Kudo-niisan won't come."

"Ai-chan?" Fusae-san crouched down and patted my head. "Don't want to leave?"

I began to realize that on the dark path through the mountains, the only time that I saw light was the time I spent with him. Even though I didn't know at that time, but years later, despite the love and care that Hakase and Fusae-san gave me, I could never deny my loneliness because of him.

I abandoned my luggage, crouched down in a corner, and started to cry like a little girl. It was the first time that I'd cried that hard. As the tears rolled down uncontrollably, I thought, I hadn't cried like this since neesan's death.

There wasn't anything sad to cry over. I just wanted to cry, for a lot of things that'd happened in the past.

Fusae-san held me tightly in her arms. In her eyes, I might simply be a girl who cried because she was going to leave, even if she knew everything.

I didn't know if it was because of bittersweetness or encouragement, I pulled away from Fusae-san and gave her a reassuring smile. Then, I rose to my feet, smoothed my skirt, and headed for the departure gate as planned...

On the plane, I had a very long dream. I dreamt that the fields of lavendar were replaced with fields of forget-me-nots. I didn't know what it meant.

 **Part XIX**

 _A book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals._

(Shinichi's point of view)

I wasn't ready, but my actions were beyond my control. Although I'd only opened it partway, the glistening red light shot out of the blue velvet box. It was an elegant necklace. Regardless of the central pear-shaped diamond or the petite stones that decorated the sides, all of them were a bit brighter than the dark and a bit darker than the bright color of red. Like blood?

I slowly picked up the necklace. As the reflected sunlight shimmered, I seemed to have come to a different space and time.

The red fluid dripped from the fingers and splattered onto the ground like fireworks exploding in the sky.

The boy trembled as he tried to tend to the many deep wounds. The tremor from the injured muscles caused him to become more anxious as worry grew.

"Hey, stop shaking. You're not the one who's hurt." The girl in his arms lifted her head with a familiar smile that was all mockery.

"It's because I'm not the one. It's because I'm not the one!" His voice quavered. "Hand, leg, even your face has injuries!" How should he stop the bleeding? he thought fretfully. He was so busy attending to the wounds that he couldn't wipe away the tears that gushed out.

For the first time, she saw such fierce tears from the boy, and soon, her shoulder was wet. She was shocked.

"Huh? Yeah. So battered, it's probably of no use anymore..." She raised her hand and examined the damaged. "This body." Her tone was that of an outside observer. If I don't care, then maybe he won't either. This was her thought at the time, without considering the possible outcomes.

"If you repeat that... if you repeat that hopeless point of view, I will never forgive you," he said, unintentionally applying more force under his hand. When he noticed her grimace, he realized that more blood had seeped through the bandage. He gasped.

Taken aback and upset, she sat up and looked into his eyes. "Before you say 'I will never forgive you,' please consider whether you have the right, which you do not, to say so."

"Why? Why didn't you get out of the way when Gin fired?" Even though they were safe now, he couldn't help but feel the dread over and over again when he recalled her indifference in face of the gun.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to be injured; you didn't have to take anything for me." The scrape on his arm from a bullet was striking in her eyes. Gin had never intended to kill her.

"You know I don't want your apology."

"He wanted me to stay." The girl lowered her head, smartly avoiding his questioning gaze.

"And if I requested the same?"

"I'm afraid it's not as important as Gin's words."

This time it was the boy's turn to be taken aback. His eyes wide, he felt pain as if something was tearing him apart. It wasn't his wounds. It was his heart.

"You know? I don't know how to say this, but Gin—I love him. I love him so much. I know he killed my sister, but I still love him like mad. That is all." Her rare hysteria rendered him speechless.

The boy clenched his fists and continuously took in deep breaths, attempting to contain his anger.

"Do you see what kind of woman I am?" She pushed him away. "Do you see it clearly? I am not worth your rescuing, so leave. I'm going to stay here with him, and don't let me ever see you again!" With that said, she stood up, however shakily, and was about to walk away.

The boy stood up as well, caught her shoulder, and swirled her around. "You asked me before what right I had. I hereby answer you." He held her head to make her look into his eyes. "I love you. Using your words, goddammit, I love you so much I love you like mad! You can treat all that I've said as bullshit, but I have the right. I have the right to ask you to stay."

With a cry, she jerked herself out of his grasp. They stared at each other in silence with the same stubborn gaze.

Very quickly, the girl regained her composure. She smiled. "I think that no matter how much you love me, you don't like me very much, do you?" There was coldness in her tone as she stated her suggestion.

"No," he answered after a slight pause. "I don't like you." It wasn't a trick. In truth, he had never thought of liking her. It was her reserved and cynical nature. Sometimes she was like a proud princess, and sometimes she was like a sadistic elf. He didn't understand her at all, and it was that ambiguity that made him not to like her.

"I believe that the people you like are those who'll make your breakfast and wait for you to wake up in the morning, make your dinner and wait for you to come back in the evening, and say 'yes' with a smile to everything your request—Ran-like people."

Indeed, the people of her description were very attractive, and he agreed mentally. "But the one I love is you."

"If it's just love, it won't sustain," the girl replied with utmost seriousness. "For me, to like is more important than to love because it can last for a very long time..."

The memory ended there. It was as though I could hear the walls blocking the crumbling memory, and my headache worsened. However confused the thoughts were, nothing hurt as much as the heart did.

Although I'd told Ran that I had to see Ai off at the airport and thus couldn't make it to her competition, I was still afraid I'd be late and hence took a shortcut. It was then when I passed by a condominium that I halted my footsteps as if something called out to me.

Only after one extra twist and turn, I thought, and life would unveil the puzzle pieced together.

I had only stood in front of the door for a short while when I saw the landlord waving to me.

"You've finally come!" He was holding the blue velvet box as he came forward to me. "Conan-kun said that if he doesn't come, it will be this person..." He showed me a photo... of me. "...who'll collect this for him." He leaned forth and whispered, "For your girlfriend?"

I shook me head and said that I had no idea. But after I opened the box, I knew that Edogawa Conan was back. All the memories and feelings returned to the one Kudo Shinichi.

I finally felt complete.

I already forgot how I arrived at the airport, something like taking the subway and then the transferring to the air train and then rushing in through the doors to the lobby. I heard her crying before I saw her, and I felt a jolt in my heart. Repeatedly saying "I'm sorry," I hurried forward.

Before I reached them, I saw Fusae-san hugging the familiar person. The sight of her sobbing touched me. The question "why doesn't she want to return to Miyano Shiho" was instantly answered.

Haibara Ai is only a child. She can cry, and she can be stubborn. She can say "I like" to things she wants, and she can say "no" to things she doesn't want. It was a complete childhood experience, and Miyano Shiho can in a way experience rebirth through Haibara Ai. But because of him... because of his existence, she hides the courage...

Therefore, he slowly, slowly turned back and headed to the outside.

He had to wait quietly for her to grow up...

 **Part XX**

 _God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering._

(Ai's point of view)

"Miss Ai, could you tell us the theme for the spring and summer fashion of the Fusae brand?" the reporter who finally had a chance to pose a question asked. The brightly lit room holding the press conference was filled with people.

"Colorful eighteen," the strawberry blonde girl sitting in the middle of the stage answered simply.

"Is that connected to your coming age?" Another reporter snatched over the mic.

"You could say that." The girl smiled softly. I wanted to mention a lot more about the past, but I decided not to. My feelings for him, I kept secret to myself.

At that time, I moved to France as planned instead of England, where Hakase was living. I studied fashion design. Hakase never mentioned Kudo in front of me, as if he'd never existed. Thus, I lost contact with him just as I'd expected.

"Ai-chan's wish is coming true!" Fusae told me while she was taking a look at the different clothes materials.

"Because marriage is one of the happiest events in people's lives, I wish that, by designing bridal gowns, I would be happy, too." That was my wish I'd announced at my first press conference. I'd just taken over Fusae-san's work and faced much doubt and suspicion. I said that in order to clarify that I joined Fusae-san not because of ill-will.

"You remembered such a small thing." I was surprised by her mentioning of the past.

"Because Ai-chan is almost eighteen." Fusae-san left such a message before she headed out. "No matter what, know that it's for your best." She must have spent too much time with Hakase, never explaining what she meant with her words.

I was nervous that day. Press conference on my eighteenth birthday was making big news. And I hurried to the conference room early in the day to check out the room.

"Miss Ai, someone is looking for you."

I hurried out of the room, hoping nothing unexpected had turned up. The sudden flood of sunlight blinded me temporarily, but I still saw the familiar face...

He came forward, tall and handsome, somewhat vicissitudinary. I finally understood what Fusae-san meant by "it's for your best."

Kudo Shinichi stood in front of me, and I had to force out a smile.

"Hope that your press conference is a success." He handed me a blue velvet box with a smile. "Open it."

Although I knew he wouldn't give me a bomb for not contacting him for ten years, I was still afraid when I opened it.

As my eyes took in the red glitters of light, I felt that time had went backwards.

That was before the combat against the Organization. I was walking with him as Edogawa on the streets. We walked in hopes to relieve the stress and to strengthen our confidence in the uncertain future. I leaned against the glass in a jewel shop, pointed to the necklace with red diamonds, smiled and told him that if he didn't die, he had to find a rich husband to buy that for me. At that time, it was a glare and a "Marry Gold." Something like that.

"The day you left, I happened to go past a condo on my way to the airport." His warm smile sent chills down my back. He pointed to the box and said, "The landlord said, 'This is for Edogawa Conan's girlfriend.' I was wondering how that kid and I can like the same person, so I opened it to check it out."

I was shocked, and I wanted to leave.

"And,"—with a smile but no haste, he pulled out a bouquet of dried flowers, the light blue forget-me-not. "Happy birthday." He smiled and bent forward, making my ear itch as he said, "I've thought it over. I love Miyano Shiho, and I like Haibara Ai." He stepped back, and I could see a little bit of blush on his face under the illumination of sunlight. "Oh, what am I saying, really? It doesn't really matter anymore. Here," he said and picked up the necklace. The icy touch around my neck mixed together with his warmth. "Are you interested in starting a new life? If you like the surname Kudo..."

"I..." I looked at him, slowly smiling, a smile that he'd taught me and that I'd practiced countless times in the mirror. It had to be the brightest smile, one that I'd never shown before. "...have liked it since I was seven."

Because we like and love can we then go so far, as long as we don't forget...


End file.
